I am an expert on tattoos.

I’ve never claimed to be an expert on tattoos but I’ve learn a thing or two from mindlessly absorbing what other people have to say about them.

• Firstly, you get what you pay for.
• Secondly, don’t worry about what they’ll look like when you’re 80.

With both these points in mind, I’ll be offering D.I.Y. tattoos this weekend for £5 a pop. They’ll be cheap and you’ll look like an idiot at 25, let alone 80.